Perfectionism and People-Pleasing Therapy In Person and Online
Foster Counseling and Therapy provides individual therapy to help you overcome your perfectionism and people-pleasing. In-person services are accessible to the communities of Lake in the Hills, Algonquin, Crystal Lake, and Huntley, and McHenry County, and online services are provided throughout Illinois.
Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Fear of Rejection
One central component of people-pleasing and perfectionistic behavior is the fear of rejection. Individuals who struggle with this are often highly attuned to the reactions and feelings of others, driven by an underlying fear that failing to meet others' expectations will result in rejection or disapproval. This fear can manifest in various ways, such as an inability to say no, overcommitting, or continually sacrificing one's own needs to accommodate others. The emotional toll includes stress, resentment, and burnout, as people-pleasers constantly prioritize others at the expense of their own well-being. Understanding and addressing this fear is crucial, as it can lead to more balanced relationships where one’s own needs are also considered and respected.
Low Self-Esteem
Another core aspect of people-pleasing and perfectionism is low self-esteem. People-pleasers often hold a belief that their worth is tied to how much they do for others or how accommodating they can be. This self-view fosters a reliance on external validation rather than internal self-approval. As a result, people-pleasers might find themselves engaged in a perpetual cycle of doing favors and going out of their way to be liked, which ironically can lead to a lack of genuine self-respect and fulfillment. Building self-esteem involves recognizing inherent self-worth independent of others’ opinions and developing a healthier, more self-compassionate relationship with oneself.
Difficulty in Asserting Boundaries
The inability to assert boundaries is a significant component of people-pleasing and perfectionism. People-pleasers and perfectionists often have difficulty asserting their limits because they fear it might lead to conflict or disappoint others. This lack of boundaries can result in feeling overwhelmed, taken advantage of, and emotionally drained, all while trying to keep every plate spinning so to speak. Asserting boundaries is essential for mental health and relationship balance; it involves clearly communicating one's limits and needs. Learning to set and enforce boundaries not only helps manage one's resources but also leads to more sincere and supportive interactions, as it communicates to others how to engage in a respectful and caring manner.
Unattainable Standards
A fundamental component of perfectionism and people-pleasing is the setting of unattainably high standards for oneself in various aspects of life, such as work, academics, or personal appearance. Perfectionists and people-pleasers often hold themselves to these rigorous and often unrealistic expectations, believing that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. This mindset can lead to significant stress, anxiety, and a persistent sense of failure because the targets they set are not just ambitious but frequently impossible to meet. The relentless pursuit of these standards can hinder creativity and a sense of self outside of striving for perfection and/or others approval.
Fear of Failure/Disapproval
Fear of failure and/or disapproval is deeply ingrained in the psyche of a perfectionist and/or someone with people-pleasing habits. This fear is not merely about failing to meet expectations but also about the fear of judgment from self and others. For perfectionists and people-pleasers, the possibility of failure is often so daunting that it can lead to procrastination or complete avoidance of tasks where there is a risk of not achieving perfection—or the opposite in relentless pursuit of doing more, always doing more and never resting. Addressing this fear involves embracing mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth, rather than as catastrophes and learning to tolerate the uncertainty and discomfort leading to a greater sense of permission to truly be ourselves.
Excessive Self-Criticism
Excessive self-criticism is a hallmark of perfectionism and people-pleasing, where individuals engage in harsh self-judgment over their perceived flaws and inadequacies or the fear of other’s judgement and possible rejection. This relentless self-criticism is often disproportionate and unconstructive, but habit and likely influenced from messages received early on in life. Perfectionists and people-pleasers frequently struggle to acknowledge and celebrate their successes, focusing instead on their shortcomings and errors or the thing they have to do next that someone is wanting from them. To combat this, it's essential for perfectionists to develop a more compassionate and forgiving internal dialogue, recognizing that the habitual patterns do not serve them and that self-compassion is key to a healthier, more balanced outlook.
Feeling trapped making everyone else happy and burning out from the expectations of perfectionism?
We’re here to help.
Therapy can be highly effective in addressing the underlying issues of people-pleasing and perfectionism by helping individuals understand and modify the thought patterns that drive these behaviors. Through therapeutic exploration, people can uncover the deep-seated fears of rejection or failure that often motivate their need to please others or strive for perfection. We will work to build your self-esteem and assertiveness, empowering you to set healthier boundaries and develop more realistic personal standards. By practicing new approaches, you will become more comfortable with uncertainty and more confident in yourself and your ability to navigate situations. Ultimately, therapy can help you learn to value your own needs and opinions, fostering a greater sense of self-acceptance and reducing the compulsive drive to meet external expectations.
Connect with empowerment and confidence with our perfectionism and people-pleasing specialists
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Katie Higgins, LCPC, PMH-C
Katie Higgins has vast experience helping people to overcome their perfectionism and people-pleasing habits. She will help you to recognize the underlying fears keeping you from feeling a sense of confidence and freedom in the way you operate yourself in your day-to-day life. She will then work with you to practice different approaches, building up new habits that allow you to access the freedom that is there for the taking and help you to connect with your inner voice.
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New Specialist Coming Soon